By Evan Marc Katz, dating coach and author of the new book, “Why He Disappeared”
I’m not sure if your expectations of men are too high or too low. I know why you get frustrated with guys who don’t do what you want them to, but I’d like to suggest that most male dating screw-ups are crimes of ignorance, not malice. In fact, there’s usually a sizable gap between what we’re thinking and what you THINK we’re thinking. Which is why I’d like you to pay close attention to these 3 myths, which will let you know what’s really going through our heads on a date (usually nothing).
Myth #1 – He Knows What He’s Looking For.
You may or may not have a physical checklist, but your ideal man is probably taller, smarter, funnier and wealthier than you are. Men don’t work that way. We’re a lot simpler. In fact, if I were to distill the essence of men’s dating philosophy into one line, it would be this:
Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.
That doesn’t mean he’s expecting you to sleep with him right away. It means he determines his attraction to you first, and sorts out his feelings later. You’ve seen this yourself. Guy makes a move on date one and doesn’t call back for date two. I’m not defending him. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be too surprised if a guy kisses you and doesn’t know if he wants to see you again. Truth is, he hasn’t thought it through quite yet. All he knows is that he’s attracted to you and will act on it, regardless of whether he sees a future with you. You’re not wrong for wishing that men were more like you – you’re only mistaken for expecting them to be.
Myth #2 – He’s Looking for The Same Qualities As You Are.
This is one of the trickiest things to understand about men. You value men for being strong, brilliant, hardworking, financially successful, independent and opinionated. It’s not that men don’t value these qualities in you. It’s that they value your other traits more: easygoing, vulnerable, soft, feminine, playful, appreciative, warm, friendly, sexy. The good news is that men don’t dissect women nearly as much as you dissect men. Did you look cute? Did you flirt with him? Did he have fun? If so, he’s probably coming back for another date.
Myth #3 – He Knows What He’s Doing.
Sadly, there’s no feedback loop for men who are dating. So if a guy says something off-kilter and doesn’t get a second date, he never learns what he did wrong. As a result, men are not very well-trained in the art of dating. They don’t know that they’re supposed to make plans with you a week in advance. They don’t know that they’re supposed to make a decision instead of asking, “What do you want to do?” They don’t know that they’re supposed to ask you questions, listen to your answers, and not hijack the conversation with a monologue designed to sell themselves. In other words, most men are like overgrown 3rd grade boys: they’re dying to impress you and would pull your hair to make you like them, if they only knew it would work.
So give them a break. Whatever a guy’s doing, remember: he wants you to like him and he’s doing the best he can. “Forgive the ignorance” and appreciate him for what he does right instead of focusing exclusively on what he does “wrong”. Just as you’d like him to do for you.